Duck and Cover

Caption from Ed's Journal after reset

Sat, 02 May 2009 19:01:30 GMT

I managed to ask Gwen for a notebook to write in. She was kind enough to give me this one.

I'm not sure what to say. I died. Now I'm here. Is it hell? Al is with me, he's human, so I guess it's worth the price.

This is what it is about right? Paying a price?

I'm not sure what to do now. I'm crippled, Al's 10, and I have no idea where I am. I'm over 90 years in the future and it's NOTHING like what I remember. It's like I landed on an alien planet.

And... The dreams I keep having.. Terrifying, as if I never left the truth.

I wonder what price that bastard Mustang paid?

Reflecting on it, it was probably a greater cost than being trapped in hell. He... likely had to give up everything he stood for. He walked the line for years, and you can't walk the line that long without paying some hefty dues.

Still I hope the Colonel Bastard is well.

All Al and I can do is attempt to survive.

A page from Ed's Torcwhood journal

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:05:22 GMT

Well, my attempts to keep my glad problem under control is being challenged. Damn it, you know, it's bad enough Tosh does tech talk, but Owen and Lyssa....

They encourage me.... Not that it's a bad thing, it's educational, I guess, but I'm not sure how much my bullocks can take. I had to take six cold showers.

Damn I need a shag...

Might have to suck it up and apologize to the Doc to straighten things out so we can continue with our....

FUCK.

Sex is so much easier!

It's the Torchwood way right?

Ed's Journal for Torchwoods

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:16:22 GMT

I think I've finally got it together. Tosh and I talked, and the Ruthven thing is behind us. I think everything is back to normal. Well almost, Isabel is back, with her daughter and all grown up. I nearly died in Munich because I let my emotion concerning my fight with the Doc get in the way. Sometimes I hate being as human as I am, but Tosh seems to think I'm growing up, and that I'm doing better.

After Is's transfusion, I'm different now. Not sure exactly HOW but I've been having strange dreams on top of the alterations to how I do my alchemy.

I need to run tests. I asked Dr. Harper to help. It's going ot be insane for a while.

And to top it off, I need to tell 11 about this, and the other stuff. Tosh gave me some good advice.

Problem is I'm not sure if it's too late or not. I let a LOT of time go by. But I needed it to piece myself together. When I'm pissed I can't do emotional crap. And I've been nothing but PISSED lately.

Anyhow, I'm still trying to make arrangements for Is. Not sure how it's going to work. But we'll see.

Ed

Laptop

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:17:10 GMT

Is sick and in the shop again.

So I'm on the desktop.

:)

Folks can contact me though Ed's, AuJacks, or Au10's Mail, or redrose999 Ljmail. OR on AIM. I'm redrose99999.

Heh

Fri, 28 Nov 2008 21:04:35 GMT

(written while he's in Germany)
Anger management.

I need someone's ass to kick.

I didn't expect to run into Isabel here. She's got a brat. Damn, the kid has a mouth on her.

Anyhow, she's in trouble. I have to help, hell, kicking someone's ass will be good for me.

Shrink wanted me to take up a hobby, I think ass kicking should fit the bill.

Ed's journal

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 23:09:19 GMT

(written before his trip to Munich and after his brainwashing in the horror plot)

Why am I so selfish? I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to realize how hurt he'd be when he found out. I got all defensive over it, and hurt him with my big mouth. All I could think of was how helpless and over powered I felt, but truth is I did sleep with them. I was too weak, so he has every right to be hurt by my actions.

He said it wasn't my fault, and my apologies will never make up for it. He still hurt. He said he was, the very act of me sleeping with another man broke his heart. I can't fix it. Not only did I forget who he was, I lost hope and shagged a mob. I should have clung to the thought he'd come for me. I have in the past, in Wooley, as well as during the Dalek Battle, but he was unable to come.( It used to piss me off, so I lashed out against him with it during our fight, which was unfair. It brought back Keavy, and what happened to her and him. I was an idoit, I need to remember, to never get angry at him. His guilt is worse than mine).Rationally, I know he had reasons for not being there (when I was kidnapped). He's got his own way of saving the world and my job at Torchwood is seperate from it. He expects me to take care of myself and I'm glad. I know he's not perfect. Hell I'm not. People are only capable of so much..

I let go of my hope and faith in him and the world when I was attacked. And that was wrong. I failed. His face, his pain, his anger, his toying with the ring, his inability to trust in my words.... I brought all that upon myself. Truth is he's more of a victim than I was. Men like me have no excuses to be broken.

I'm also now certain he's too broken to cope with my baggage.I'm the strong one in this relationship. I need to stay that way.

Guess I suck at relationships. I don't know what the fuck I can do. I can't even sort my feelings. Hell, I have no right to be hurting now. Still I'm seeing the shrink again and I'll know better than to burden him with my pain. It hurts him far to much.

Anyhow, I need to find myself. Al is staying with Gwen and Rhys this week. I'm going back to Munich. I'm gonna see if I can get some of my old Uni records as well.

Uni

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 20:58:28 GMT

I'm going to Uni, not sure HOW it's going to work out. I'm going to the one in Cardiff. It would be too much of a trek to go to the one in London. I refuse to take that damn transporter.

I haven't seen my Doc lately. He's off doing his thing likely.

Miss him, but I realized a head of time what he was like. Too many ways, he reminds me of the old man.

Still haven't talked to Tosh about what happened.

Ed

October Prompt: Screaming

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 02:43:39 GMT

Prompt :Screaming
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Character: Ed Elric
Word Count: 147

Screaming, Edward Elric never screamed. Automail connections were painful, so painful adult men avoided the surgery. Yet Edward Elric accepted the pain head on. Physical pain never bothered him. He was accustomed to it. The automail was hard on his physical body. There were times his nerves screamed in anguish as the machinery misfired.

Yet Edward never screamed. He gritted his teeth and held it in like a real man should.

Men never screamed to do so was weak. Physical toughness was Edward’s strength. He could face any challenge head on.

He was only weak in his dreams. It was only then did he feel the pain. His heart was heavy, and he couldn’t hide from his sins. Mother was always there, and gate loomed over him, it’s slithering tendrils hungry for his soul. Edward would scream then.

He could only run from himself for so long..

Note from Ed's Journal on Oct 3

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 00:13:24 GMT

Never forget.

9 years ago I burnt down my house and left to become a State Alchemist.

Ed

Ed's journal, (written during Horror plot)

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:54:37 GMT

I've lost everything except for Al. I should have expected it. I mean nothing good lasts for long. I mean, I guess I deserve it, my sins run far too deep.

It just... well bites. Damn rift.

I actually cared for people back there. Tosh, Owen, Lys, Toshi, Loren, Isabel, Yamucha, Rose, Logan, Cassie, Sam, Olwen, Abby, Martha, The Docs, Jack (TW3's not the one I'm going to punch in the mouth), Samantha, Violet, Sarah Jane, Hermione, Nathan.... I had a family.

And I had him, my Doctor... He's gone and I've got this hole... I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's like loosing my soul.

Well, I've learned, never look back. Those words are so hard to say now. But all I can do is move on, live the best I can.

I got to do it for Al. He's all that's left and we'll survive. Just alone, never again, I can't let us get close to anyone.... It hurts far to much now.

Ed

Isabel

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 18:28:35 GMT

Funny it's been a year since Is and I connected and now she's gone. She left with the baby and her parents to the States. I expected it to be me to run off first. I'm good at running away, but recently I've discovered I can't run away.

I'm home.

Funny isn't it? Home, sounds kinda of nice.

Anyhow. It's been a long haul. I understand myself more, it's for the best of course, but it's still hard. I don't like seeing myself in the mirror.

Isabel, she's gone, I'll miss her, she is a part of me. Damn dame was the one who started it all too.

I wish her luck.

Ed

Kind of fucked up again.

Sun, 31 Aug 2008 15:59:15 GMT

They used some glove thing on Olwen and did the forbidden. Poor Toshi, this isn't ending for him and I have no idea how to help him.

I realized I'd likely do the same thing. For my friends, that I care, and I know that's a good thing, but hell...

All that moralizing, all that crap I went though.

And I haven't changed one fucking bit.

Al was right, we did bring mom back, and I murdered her in cold blood. Why does everything have to have a cost? I shut myself down to do it, now I'm finding after all this, I can't live with myself over it. Never look back right? Than why does it keep returning?

I almost cried in front of Tosh. A part of me just wants to retreat and ignore the people around me. But I can't, I need to be strong to help Toshi, no time to be a self centered bastard because I can't face my fucking past and sins. Time to bury it all. Time to forget. No time to feel. Never look back right?

Al thinks the Gate is back, someone here is using it.

Right, everything goes to hell when I find happiness. Typical.

I should live. Need to buy plates for the kitchen. We've been living on take away. Take away boxes get mushy and don't serve as dishes or storage containers for a second time.

Ed

Yes I do have

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 18:22:26 GMT

Spotty internet.

So you might see a tag or two here and there. I just need to be reminded for links. I have no email.....

Kathy

Post Prompt if you want fic

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 23:08:08 GMT

Prompt
July

Rain poured down upon the mist covered earth and splashed off the carved marble grave stone. It was a cold miserable November morning. The soft grassy ground was brown and littered with rotting leaves that were slick and muddy from several days' downpour.

“I’ll be leaving for London tomorrow.” Edward Elric said. He removed the old rotted bouquet of flowers from the foot of the grave and replaced them with a fresh bouquet of lilies “Gracia made these up for you. She says she will make sure your grave is tended to.”

Alfons.

So much went unsaid between them before he died. Yet there was so much he wanted to say now that he was gone. “November sucks,” Edward continued. “It really sucks, or maybe it’s Germany, I don’t know. I need to get out of here. I need a change.” The alchemist hung his head low, his features lost as he watched the rain run down his nose and splash on his boot. There was a dark lonely pit in his heart.

A year ago to the day, it was raining too. But Alfons' cheerful smile and laughter lifted the gloom and made Edward forget, just for a moment, that he really belonged in Amestris and not Munich. It gave him hope to fight and find his place in this world and made him believe he’d someday go home. Why hadn’t he told his German friend, how much he needed his smile then? What would Alfons say if he knew Edward returned to Munich because he now saw Alfons’ world as his own?

“I hear they have some decent jazz clubs in London. Real cat's meow they say. My brother Al is excited. He likes jazz, just like you. Funny he isn’t into Dada like I am but he hasn’t told me it’s for communists yet, like you did.”

Germany and her people meant a great deal to Alfons. He hated seeing the country going to hell. Hyperflation, WW1, the Treaty of Versailles ... it was a sign of a dying country. Alfons despised it, yet somehow he managed to smile and act as if everything was right in the world. Maybe it was because regardless of how horrible the world was around them, Alfons was always hopeful because this was his world, and hope could change it.

Hope was a powerful weapon. Edward touched the cold hard surface of the grave stone. “I learned a lot and with Al here I’ve decided to fight for this world. It’s mine too, but I need to leave Germany. The only way to save her is to leave, Alfons. My life needs to change. I need to find people that can help. I fight my battles different than you do but I know how important it is to remain hopeful. Things can change because we’ll never give up.”

I took the plung (note: entry backdated before the dinner thread)

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:04:04 GMT

And popped the question to 11. Now I'm waiting for an answer. I'm not sure what to think. He needs time, and I understand that, but well, damn it, I hate waiting... Hell, I'm shopping for rings still, I THINK I found one. Maybe I should ask Tosh about it... Or Toshi yeah, he's a guy he might know.

Al says I'm being a fucking grump. Heh, might be right. But I am glad I asked. I'm not sure how I'll feel if he says no.I'm scared half to death I did the wrong thing. I LOVE the man, I know it's more than glands, hell I get the glands now. Believe me I feel the gland part all the time. It's different than what I feel for him.

Talking to Is kind of made me realize how far I've come though. She's afraid to take the plunge with Eddie, and I think I've manged to push past that part of me.

I'm worried about Is. She needs to buckle in and take some risks. But I'm not sure how to say that.

On a another note, I realized I can scare the shit out of Doc 10 by commenting on his ass. Unlike Owen (who usually has a rude come back), he goes into shock and shuts his trap for several minutes. Heh, nice to know I can scare the crap out of him. Now if that would work on the other 10, I'd be really happy.

Word Prompt: Snow (for Prompt if you want)

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 22:22:36 GMT

Muse: Edward Elric
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Word Count:297

It was cold out. Edward Elric stepped out on the side walk and turned his toward the sky. Snow drifted lazily down and dotted the cobblestone streets around him. He closed his eyes, and felt the cool wet kiss of the sky’s frozen tears on his cheeks. He had always liked the snow in the past. It reminded him of home now. He glanced around the street as he started to walk and watched the flakes drift and dance to the cold earth. The snow was sticking and coming down faster now. The flakes were large and delicate with interconnect lacey crystals. Just like the snow at home.

The young man inhaled, and shoved his hands deep into his pockets and watched the men near the beer hall as they huddled around burning barrels for warmth. They’d be burning marcs that night, Ed thought. Money was worthless these days and the snow made warmth worth more.

The walk took Edward to the Odeonsplatz. Snow already covered the stones with a blanket of white and the arched colonnade itself was difficult to see though the white haze now. Edward slowed his walk and looked around. The dirty streets of Munich had transformed into a white snowy landscape, and it looked beautiful. Suddenly, he forgot about being lost, and away from his own world. The snowy day was captivating.

He extended a hand, and caught a flake and watched it melt away. How many times had he and Al caught the flakes on their tongues out in their backyard? Snow, it was the same wherever you went. It blanketed the streets or fields with cool breath taking beauty. Edward Elric smiled, maybe he’d talk Heidrich into going out and making some snow balls when he got back from University.

... (back dated to when Is had her baby)

Wed, 21 May 2008 23:37:09 GMT

Is had her baby.

I guess it means she's finally moved on, or will be able too.

Not sure what I think.

I keep wondering since I took the plung and saw The Doc's mind, if I should just propose to him. I mean you just don't shag a guy and not marry them. I mean I was thinking about it before the baby and all, but now I feel it's time to take my relationship to the next level.

It's just it might not be his thing... And Al, what would I do about him? Anyhow, lots to think about. I'm still ring shopping....

What's the harm right?

Ed's personal journal for Torchwood

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 15:45:24 GMT

I'm going to prod the Doc into helping me do my rift research. I know, he's a little disturbed by the fact that I'm with his other self, but he's gonna have to deal. It's kind of weird really. Rose is maybe a year older than I am, and her relationship with her Doc is similar.

Not that it matters to me, he's gonna have to deal.

Al is pretty cheery these days. We've been doing some research in the lab, and I'm starting to get what's going on with my Alchemy. I think the Universe has a code. Everything is math really and in the end Alchemy is broken down into atomic formula. The Truth gives us insight into that formula and allows Al and I to use it on a microcosmic level.

Now I need to figure out exactly what the gate is and where it came from. Who built it and all that.

On another note, the Doc offered to build a device that would help me to manage the influx of rift energy just in case of a opening or tear around me. This way I don't have to get myself stoned when it happens.

On another note, I'm realizing my Doc has a difficult time express how he feels for me in words. He's hurt deep down I think. I know that pain, but I've had such a short life, it's easy to move past it. But he has lost so much over the years.

I wonder if Fluffy feels the same? Maybe he can give me a little advice? I mean I suck at expressing myself with words. Hell I'm surprised I've been able to tell him I love him. But recently, it's been easy to say them. But talking to Tosh and Owen and Al helped me to connect with them I guess and say how I feel.

Sex helps too, I find it easier to express my feelings physically. And I think I'm pretty good at it too.

Ed

Responsibility

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 16:10:35 GMT

I have a fair number of duties at Torchwood. Ones that focus on my skills. Research for magic and tech, Field Work-Security enforcer (in other words, deals with hostiles that come though rift) and my own research.

I realized the other day, despite the pitfalls and emotional stress, I think I'm happier here than I was working with the State Military. I spoke with Lorin a few days ago, and realized my appreciation of this place shifts with my mood, I'm still angry about being stuck, or sentenced here by the gate as exchange. I'm still trying to fight my way out of that. But being with the Doctor makes it now very possible that I can move, and do what I want, and that freedom has changed everything. I'm just ready to accept it at times, I'm so used to losing everything, I'm terrified to accept what I have and be happy. But I am happy, and it is strange.

I do miss home, I realized that the other day, but I starting to think that hell isn't that bad at all. I like it here, I like the responsibility. I like the people.

Man, growing up is a bitch. I'm 20, but in many ways, I'm still a kid, not just in body, but in soul and mind. I never had the time to do the things folks my age would have done years ago. Its new and exciting and frustrating at the same time. Man, I need to track down Owen and grill him about technique. I'm too bloody straight forward.

Anyways, back to work.

Getting a Hang...

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 15:43:59 GMT

Of this feeling for someone else thing. I think... Well, I think I know he cares. He said things to me, that I needed to think about.

I had a long talk with Nate, and well, I realized then what I had. I just need to get this sex thing straight. I'm going to study a book I borrowed from Owen. It was a disaster of course, the borrowing and I owe Tosh big. Made a fool out of myself.

But I'll live, they'll live. I'm just bracing for the rumors to start. MAN, this modern thing is harder than I thought.

Anyhow, here it is in a nut shell.

I'm in love. I know Doc 11 cares, he took care of me when I wasn't doing to hot. I'm studying up on the physical aspect of our relationship because the other Doctor 10 said, it's all about sex. I mean it's more than that, but I can't deny sex is a big part of it. Never thought that way when I was dating dames, I mean I did the courting thing and there was the old marriage and don't knock them up aspect, big deterrent. But other than that, I think it's sound advice. And apparently I can pester Owen about it if I want so I know someone who will answer questions.

Another note, I know it's more than sex. Love is well, many things. Friendship, trust, attraction, that connection thing, compassion, and the need to give to the other person, and take, taking is important too...

I had no idea Tosh was a Sexual-yoga expert. But, I won't go there. Man I keep thinking her and Inara together and I have to take showers on that. Got to get this gland thing under control. Now that I think of it, Owen and Shawn, they'd be pretty hot too... Glands, control glands, got it.

I'm still concerned about the rift, I haven't done Alchemy since it opened. A part of me still doesn't feel right.

Is is back in my life. I'm a little worried about her, she's packing a bun in the oven, and the bloke responsible isn't owning up or is, but is a creep. Anyhow, I did what was proper. She turned me down, it's done. In hind sight I know I would have regret it. I mean, I think she realized it. But I'd be giving up what I wanted in the end. And I think I need to be selfish, I've never tended to my own needs and wants. It's about time. I hope Logan can keep an eye on her. I need to get my life back again but I'm glad we're friends.

But there is so much I need to deal with. I can't trust, and I'm still pissy. I need time. Still, it's good to think I have one less enemy. And jezz I hope she figures all this out.

On another note, it's weird being with someone who wants to take care of you. I mean really take care of me in all ways. I have no idea what to do.

Man I think I need a serious shag. Yeah, that sounds good....

The Gate

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:25:33 GMT

Need to get off my ass and talk with the Doc about what it is.

I'm actually feeling better this week. The Rift accident is finally wearing off. I still haven't submitted those reports yet. I just will feel better if I can give assure Jack and Martha nothing will happen.

Still working on *pop up Virus*

Ed Elric

Valentines Day...

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:09:13 GMT

Spent is alone. Just work. Al is happy enough. I don't get holidays, and these romantic ones make even less sense.

I have research to do.

I need to get my license. I'm practicing now.

My Laptop is busted. All I get is naughty crap, and I have no idea how it got there. I don't look at the stuff.

Well need to find someone that can fix it.

Fuck it. Things can't get any worse can they? Oh, scratch that I go to the shrink tomorrow. Great.

Have I said people are over rated? Yeah, they are.

Ed

The rift

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 15:47:13 GMT

I grossly underestimated the power of the rift and our seal. If I had finished my research in time we would have been prepared for this.

I was right about Al, he's a philosophers stone. Damn it! There has to be a way to measure the amount of energy we're using from the rift when we do our alchemy, and a way to measure how much energy Al absorbed.

I let myself get too caught up in my feelings when in truth, there is nothing normal about Al or I and I need to figure out what other consequences lie in our future.

Edward Hohenheim Elric

Al

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 16:31:34 GMT

I want to change for him. But I can't I've gone too far. I have no clue how to salvage what's left of my innocents. How can I make him accept who I am now?

WTF? Journal Entry, back dated before the Dalek attack.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:14:10 GMT

I never felt I deserved him. I'm not sure if he feels he needs me. Hell, he's got a universe. How could he love an individual? He loves the race, the Earth, not one person. I can't expect the same kind of loyalty form him. I just sometimes feel like I need to know he's there and that I mean something.

I let her words get to me again. I feel fucking insecure. I KNOW I'm going to wreck this. I wreck everything. Look at Is....

I guess I don't get love. Mom never had dad, and she loved until it killed her. Do I? Do I love him and am I willing to be mom, to wait and accept he's not going to be there? I hated dad for that, but here I am in the same exact situation and feeling bitter, but at the same time willing to do anything the Doctor wants or needs.

It is easier not to feel.

Edward Elric.